Getting horses and kids to do what you want

Discover why your influence matters most in horsemanship and relationships—and how showing up right changes everything.

Learning from Mistakes in Horsemanship

Welcome to this week’s You Are Destined For Greatness. Thank you for taking your time to be here today.

You know, I've been in the horse—I've worked with horses for a long time. I've been fortunate and blessed to have been—to make my living with horses for almost my entire career. And in that, I've made a ton of mistakes. I've done so many things wrong, it's a—I wonder, well I keep doing things wrong, but I do less and less of them.

One of the reasons that I'm pretty good at horsemanship and getting horses to do what I want them to do is because of all the mistakes I've made and what I've learned. Because I know a lot about what doesn't work. And it's not that I'm recommending to do things wrong in order to learn, because you don't have to do it that way all the time. But doing things wrong is going to be—if you're going to be doing things, you're going to be making mistakes. So that's the point on that.

When Things Go Wrong with Horses

Anyway, in the process of this, what I've noticed in myself earlier on and with people in the horse business is that, you know, horses are these amazing creatures that we get to have the opportunity to be with on this planet. And if you've had a chance to work with horses or have one or ride one or get to know a horse, it's a pretty amazing thing—until they don't do what we want, you know, and then we're kind of stuck. Then we kind of enter into a problem.

And so, the question now becomes, how do I get my horse to do what I want him to do—him or her—to do what I want him to do? These horses to the side of me are just pawing on the ground. And if I don't want them to do that, how do I get them not to do that? How do I get a horse to guide where I want him to guide? How do I get him to go the speed that I want him to go at? How do I get him to quit being afraid of certain things? And on and on and on it goes.

How Most People React to Horse Problems

And in that, okay, when I observed myself and all—you know, hundreds, thousands of other people in this horse industry that I've interacted with over the years—the question is… well, not the question, let me say this: how we react to that is very interesting to me. Because the first thing that we do as people is we say, you know, “The horse, this horse does this, and this horse does that.”

Oh, we complain a lot, right? And then we just—a lot of times, sometimes we'll just say, “Well, that's just a matter of fact. That's the way she is. This horse paws the ground when you tie her up. Or my horse won't load.” Or this, and that, and the other. So, we complain.

A lot of times we try to have somebody fix it; we send it to a trainer. We're on the internet trying to find tricks or skills and techniques of how we can get this horse to do what we want. A lot of times we try to control; we try to manipulate. We try to punish a lot of times if we lose our temper.

What Really Influences a Horse’s Behavior

We're doing all this stuff to try to get these horses to do what we want. And the basis of The Horsemanship Journey, the reason that we founded this is this principle: that the biggest influence that we have on these horses’ behavior, okay, is not the tip or trick. It's not the bit. It's not the saddle fit. It's not the trainer. It's not, you know, their diet. It's not the chiropractor. It's not the acupuncturist. It's not all that stuff.

The biggest influence that we have on their behavior is us, if we're in the relationship with them. Period. End of story.

The Same Is True with People

So, here's the deal. The same is true with the relationships that we have with each other—with our children, with our spouses, with our loved ones, with all the people that we're in relationships with. And we do the same things that we do with horses. We try to control. We try to manipulate. We try to get everybody to do the things that we wanna do.

Where True Influence Begins

So, here's the deal, okay? If you can come with us on this principle, we're gonna get deep into it. We're gonna go into skills and techniques and everything, but it all begins right here.

And so, what do I mean by that? What do I mean? What I mean is, it's the same with horses. If I wanna have trust, okay, I need to be trustworthy. I need to act that way, okay. Everything comes from me. The attitude that I expect, I need to display. I need to show, okay. I need to live.

You Can’t Control People—But You Can Influence Them

So here's—you know, and I've had quite a bit of experience with this with people too. You know, I've had several failed marriages, so I know how to do it wrong. And I know one thing in that is with kids and people: we're not going to control them, okay. But we do have a tremendous influence. So how do we exercise the influence?

The First Step to Powerful Influence

Here's the first measure, okay. Here's the takeaway of the day. In your interaction that you're having, here's your first question. Instead of saying, “They did this, and they did that.” And, “I don't know what my kids are doing. They're acting crazy,” and all of that. And, “These horses are just the way they are. They just sit there, and they paw the ground when I tie them up.”

The first thing is to take a look right here at yourself, just to stop and say, "Hey, am I happy with how I am coming out? Am I happy in how I'm showing up in this thing right now?" Okay, that's the first question. And be honest with yourself. Because if you are, that is the basis for having cooperation and influencing horses and people to get the results that you want.

You Still Won’t Control the Outcome

Now, you're not always going to get the results you want. Just because I want a horse or a person to do a thing doesn't mean anything. They have their own free will. They're going to do what they will, right? But the only thing that I can do to try to persuade them to come my way is the influence that I have—that begins with me. And I need to be okay with how I'm showing up.

You Have More Power Than You Think

We're gonna, like I said, we're gonna talk much, much more about this. It's a super exciting concept, because a lot of the time we just feel helpless, and we get frustrated, or we don't know what to do, and it seems like there's no end to it. When in truth, we have so much power it's incredible—when we learn how to focus it where we have the biggest influence.

Final Thought

Thanks for joining me this week. Remember, You Are Destined For Greatness.